Circumventing, responding, stepping

A two steps forward, one step back kind of week.

May 09, 2024

My thoughts have not been clear enough to put into words. I’ve struggled this week. I am feeling better, but still a ways from good. I’m trying to circumvent being so hard on myself when I respond to a situation like a dog that’s been hit. We all have past traumas so it is an understandable response. While I know that everyone is responding to their past as well it can still be difficult. I’m sometimes disappointed that I don’t stand up for myself more and that anger at myself exacerbates feelings of helplessness and shame. I just gotta get through this week and keep healing. It’s been kind of a two steps forward, one step back kind of week, both physically and emotionally.

On top of that Leo got notified that Tal’s visa approval will take longer, estimated at 13 months although I fear the estimates are useless anyway. I want her here so much, I can’t begin to imagine how she and Leo feel. And despite all that I also almost feel guilty because I am so fortunate in the support and love I have. My Ernie, my boys, my friends (I owe you a note, Diana). Good Lord but we’re complicated little creatures.

I love gray days, but the weather probably isn’t helping either. I’m missing my family. I’m missing my cat. I’m missing feeling good. Remember when I was doing the water therapy and I was trying to push myself on the stairs out of the pool? I decided I just needed to push harder, that it was most likely merely anxiety holding me back? So I pushed ahead on that step and then fell spectacularly backwards into the water. I still have a bump and mark on my shin although it was months ago. I feel like that right now. I know I need to just push myself but I’m afraid I’ll fall back in the water.

Ok. Shake it off, Cynthia. My beloved Jeanne said to imagine a white light around me, a protective shield and I’m doing that.

Despite feeling lousy I’m excited to fully begin work at Sola Gratia next week. Here is the view as I wait for Ernie to pick me up.