I think I’ve made a few little steps forward of late.
It’s been difficult for me to adjust to going out in public with my walker. I know, I know, it’s stupid. I realize it’s just a tool and nobody cares but me, but it still is hard to get used to. I don’t think I’m particularly vain in general. I mean, come on, you’ve seen the pictures of me. I haven’t used make up in eons For awhile, if I felt I really needed something I’d go to my secret stash which had a bit of powder and eye shadow and throw a bit on. Finally, I reminded myself that the stash had originally been my sister Judi’s….and she died in 2009. Ahem. I know. So I threw it away.
Using the walker, whether it’s Little Guy or Big Red, makes me feel much more naked than giving up make up and the like however. It makes me feel as though everyone is looking at me. Which is funny, as in reality, I am more invisible than ever. People just see a walker. God knows, even attractive women become invisible as they age, add to that being overweight and now using a walker, and I might as well have my very own Cloak of Invisibility. Except that’s not how it feels. I feel as though people ARE looking at me and thinking, “well if she’d lose some weight and get some exercise she wouldn’t need that thing.” And even as I write this I’m fighting the urge to go into explanations of my spine issues.
So when I went out to the Rose Bowl on Monday to see the Tumbleweeds’ Christmas show with Teri and Brian and I didn’t angst too much about it, I was proud of myself. I’m still not sure how to get into the Rose Bowl’s crazy miniscule women’s bathroom with a walker but luckily happy hours are short!
And the next day I went to Fries and Peanuts (the Esquire) for lunch with Eddie and I didn’t worry about it then either.
Switching over to Substack for my writing has also taken a bit of courage. I never tried to monetize my blog even back when blogs were a big deal. I always said I just wrote for myself. While that is indeed true, I also loved sharing it. I never could figure out how to explain that.
I think that to monetize it meant admitting that I thought there was some kind of value in it, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do that.
So here I sit, all Substacked out with different levels of paying subscriptions. It was a leap for me and I have been incredibly gratified to those of you who have subscribed. And those paid subscriptions have been a boon to us as well. I owe you many messages of thanks, for the subscriptions and for the lovely words you have sent. I still am in a tizzy over when and where to have a paywall. I keep changing my mind. If anyone has thoughts on that, please share away.
In the meantime, thanks for taking these steps with me.
As a little treat, one of my very favorite Christmas songs, with my beloved Eric Brace.
This song is from a glorious Christmas album done by Last Train Home on Red Beet Records. It is sadly out of print but is free on Soundcloud (thanks, Eric). SO worth a listen and a download.
Love to all,
Cynthia
Onward.
Well acquainted with that cloak of invisibility, all while feeling like the elephant in the room.
So... when you talked about makeup and what was left from Judi...? It reminded me of a time when I was cleaning the closet. There was a basket up there! I blew almost decades of dust off of the top, opened it up, and remembered that I used the covered basket to store my menstrual pads... so long ago and so no longer needed. Eyeliner? I'm sure Judi is laughing and sending you so much love. You are gorgeous. Please keep using your tools. I am using mine. We've got to save the flexibility we've got so that we can get to the polls. Sorry to say. Love to you.