My current news is that I seem to have some kind of insect infestation. Well, not me personally, but my house. I looked over (when I was tracking the rogue spider) at the wall over my bed the other day and somebody had deposited a whole load of what I am guessing is frass on top of poor Will Kimbrough. Considered options seem to be termites or carpenter ants. If you’d like to vote, please cast one for the ants. I mean, I used to live in Chicago, so vote early and vote often.

Sigh. I’ve a got a call in to a place.

Evidently ferns don’t like being in vases. I read that you’re supposed to cut them and then blanch the ends in boiling water or something and no, just no.

I worked a long time today (for me) and then I laid down to give my back a break and tried to figure out my life.

No luck.

I talked to a friend on the phone last night. I was tired and it took me stumbling around for a bit but I finally managed to verbalize the way I feel. I think I’m losing myself. Who am I if I sit at home and work, talk to the boys occasionally, and don’t do anything except read and occasionally watch cooking competitions? I don’t think I’m Cynthia anymore. I can’t go to antique shops or flea markets. I can’t go on wanders. I can’t go hear music. I can’t have house concerts. I can’t even fucking cook. I mean, who the fuck am I anymore? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I’ve been spending a bit, not too much, but more than I probably should, buying things on eBay. I think it’s one of the only ways I feel like Cynthia 1.0, if I find a piece of 19th century glass or something I would have bought with Ernie. Cynthia 2.0 just fucking sucks. She barely exists.

I knew it would be hard without Ernie. I knew it would be terrible. But I didn’t know that I’d just disappear.

Onward?

I just don’t know.

Love,
Cynthia

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All morning a spider has been traversing the ceiling, first over my bed, so I moved to a chair. Then it dropped down on my bed. Sack looked vaguely interested so I brought her over. She tapped at it once or twice and it fell to the floor, scurrying under the bed. Sack followed and was under there for some time and I thought perhaps she’d taken care of things. She seemed exhausted so I was hopeful.

Nope. He reappeared and again went traipsing across the ceiling, periodically dropping down and hoisting himself back up. I was in a work meeting so I looked away for a moment and now I don’t know where he is.

What the hell, Ernie? You thought I’d just all of a sudden be bold enough to kill spiders on my own? Sigh. Well, I love you enough that I forgive you. Sack, not so much.

My week has been ok, a bit off kilter as short holiday weeks sometimes are. To top that off I did something or my spine did something to my neck and I’ve been knocked out. I’m sitting up as I write this but am going back to bed shortly. Hopefully the spider will not join me.

What else?

Top Chef has been a tad dull but the last episode was NOT at all. There was a snake (I closed my eyes), a look at Asheville since the devastation last year, and then a very bad loser. Best episode of the season!

Leo started bringing down some of my books from my bedroom upstairs. It’s nice to see them again.

I have lost faith in Sack but she doesn’t seem to care.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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AND I got the new Aaron Lee Tasjan in the mail. It is SO FUCKING GOOD. I mean it. I REALLY mean it. Go here. SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD!

This however, did not bring me as much joy, although I must admit a certain amount of pride in Olney.

Breakfast today: vanilla Greek yoghurt and strawberries. No, they’re not Sola Gratia strawberries, which would be much better of course.

Teri gave this to me, one of our favorite pictures from a trip to Beaver Island, in a bigger frame but my little bedside table gets so overcrowded that it kept getting knocked off. A smaller frame seems to be holding it’s own. Normally I wouldn’t go with gold but it seemed appropriate. My boy.

I don’t know what this picture is supposed to be but I kinda like it.

Beautiful Robay sent me a picture from his recent UK vacation, proudly wearing a Black-Volk shirt. ❤️

The family, Esther, Raye, Eggy, and Shirt.

And here they are a little more relaxed and ready for bed.

I’m doing my best, Ernie. I’m really trying. I love you.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

My next fantasy house concert, Kim Richey and Aaron Lee Tasjan.

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Yesterday was just one of my crying days. I don’t know why some days are and some days aren’t. It doesn’t really matter though. I had a Zoom call with someone yesterday and I cried. Leo came down to ask me a couple of questions and I cried. I talked to the cats and I cried. You get the idea.

Today is a little better.

I want to think of some profound statement or description of how I feel but I can’t. I just miss him. I miss him so much. I miss the way he’d talk to the cats. I miss the ways he’d smile at me after one of the boys was here. I miss the way he’d flip a record over to check the condition. I miss the little drawings he’d make. I miss the way he cooked eggs and of course his biscuits. I miss the clothes he wore. I miss the scent of him. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the way he made me a different person. I miss the way he took care of me. I miss the way he understood everything. I miss the way he’d do a little hunch when he was feeling shy. I miss all of him. Every bit of him.

While I was watching tv somebody said something about a place being dangerous and I missed the way he would have immediately gone into a Johnny Thunders impression, “Paris is dangerous? I guess you’ve never been to New York.”

I miss my beautiful boy.

I’m ok though. I promised him I would be ok so I am.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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OLNEYYYYYY!

SAAAAAACK!

Sack finally came scurrying from the alley with her tail down looking a bit stressed. In she went.

Still no Olney.

Lots more calling and shaking of the bowl.

I gave up for the time being and went back inside. I texted Leo and I gotta say, he was very kind (as he’s not particularly fond of the big black beast) and immediately went out and canvassed the yard and the neighborhood, asked neighbors, etc. He was gone for a long time. He finally came back and said he’d go out again in a bit. I had posted on Facebook in the meantime.

A bit later as I was sitting there all stressed out and worried about my guy, I got a phone call. It was my beloved Matt Starks. He said hello, paused, and said, “I think your cat is sitting on your front porch.” I jumped up to go to the door without my walker—THAT’S how much I love that damn cat. I realized I was going to fall so managed to get hold of my walker and clumped out and there he was happily sitting on the front porch. No penitence whatsoever. In fact he looked quite pleased with himself. He trotted right in and I waved at Matt. I love you, Matt. I don’t know what I’d do without my Starks.

Geesh. Just sitting on the front porch.

I do wish I knew where he’d gone and what he’d done. He was WOUND up that night. Poor Sack had to put up with a lot of chasing all night long.

Thank you SOOO much to the lovely people that shared my post, offered to come help look or walked up to my front porch and thought, “well, there’s her damn cat, I better call her.” I love you all. I really do.

You gotta figure that naming him after David Olney meant he was bound to be a character. And that he is. That he is.

And my poor beleaguered Sack. Why she’s so nice to him I don’t know.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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We went to the Rose Bowl and saw the Moon Dogs. Ernie and I were going to go see them back in January but it was the day he ended up in the hospital. So it was bittersweet of course. As I did last time I heard live music I teared up for the first half hour, periodically wiping my eyes, but then I was ok and they sounded great!! It did me good. Thanks, Abby! #moreabby

Oh, and note my beloved Ann sitting next to me. So glad she came out.

It was Teri and Brian’s anniversary and I don’t know who took this photo, I stole it from Teri’s fb page but I think it’s utterly adorable of both of them. Happy anniversary guys, thank you for everything you do for me. ❤️

Me.

Susan, also looking cute with Teri. Look at them. I love my f riends.

Only Sandra would show up in a stunning Frida Kahlo jacket she made herself!!

Susan kindly brought me home and it was so nice to chat for a bit. She is so good to me.

The biggest news of the day however?

BUSTER HAD BABIES!!!! My beloved Buster (the sunflower), much as Charlotte the spider in Charlotte’s Web, left me lots of babies to keep me from being lonely. Little Busterettes. Thank you, Buster. I think they will do you proud.

Blue, on the right, folded up, did a great job on her maiden voyage. And on the left is Little Guy’s new bag (thank you Carol)!!!

It felt good to be out and to see friends but I won’t lie and say it didn’t feek strange to be without Ernie. He was my safety, he was my cool factor, he was my musical cachet, he was part of me. I didn’t have to be cool because I had the cool guy sitting next to me. I feel strangely naked without him. I’ve found myself looking at makeup and pondering ordering some. I haven’t worn makeup in years but I feel so darn bare without Ernie.

I did ok though and I had a good time. I happily flopped on my bed when I got home, had dinner with Sack (Olney has taken to showing up too, he gets FOMO very easily, but he never stays). The salmon was good, as always, cooked more than I like but the way to get around that it to cook it your own damn self so I’m not complaining. The salad though, was FABULOUS. Spinach, chickpeas, artichokes, tomato, radicchio and I don’t know what else, all in a mild oregano vinaigrette. SOOO good.

And with that I curled up and alternated between reading and planning mythical wanders.

Here I am, clothed but feeling naked. Olney of course sleeps through it all. That guy is a HEAVY sleeper.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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I messaged a friend who had contacted me with some info yesterday. Amazing how much friends doing things like that help. Thanks, Carol. ❤️

I got up and sorted through the clothes in my blanket chest, separating into keep and donation piles, mostly donation. Good Lord some of that stuff was old.

I thought about cleaning the cat box. Eh, well, you can’t win ‘em all.

I pulled everything out of a big basket I have tucked under a table in here and transferred it to the blanket chest. Extra blankets, etc. that I won’t need often.

I went through the contents of another big basket and again did the sorting thing. What I am keeping went into the first basket that was now empty.

I took a shower. I almost slipped getting out so I went directly to my laptop and ordered a non slip mat.

I ate some yoghurt and wished I had some fruit.

Put some things on an Instacart shopping list but decided I didn’t need enough to order today.

I asked Leo to come and open my windows which he kindly did as it was colder in the house than it was outside.

I switched some throws around in the living room and stared at all the damn boxes.

I cleared a box or two off the dining room table.

I snacked on some pecans and some dates (thank you, Heather).

I got into bed for a while as my back was killing me.

I did some things for work, answering questions about the plant sale, etc. Don’t forget the Sola Gratia Plant Sale goes 9-5 tomorrow with live music to boot.

I answered the phone! A big shock if you know me but my friend Teri called and it was lovely to catch up and we even made some plans.

I cried a little. Yesterday was three months to the day since Ernie passed. Shocking that it’s been so long and equally shocking that it hasn’t been longer.

I looked at the rest of my to do list and kinda shrugged.

I did a little more work.

I decided I was hungry and it was time for dinner. I thought about cooking something. Eh.

I clunked into the kitchen and heated up my little Cook Unity meal instead of cooking. It was a big winner. Rick Bayless’ Red Chile Greens and Black Beans with Roasted Squash and Queso Fresca.

Sack liked it. She and I both hated the one I had last night even though it sounded good. I didn’t finish it all and neither did she. Although she did feel it necessary to pull out the root end of some bok choy from the trash in the middle of the night. She didn’t like it then either so it just looked up at me from the floor when I got up this morning. I put it out of its misery and threw it away again.

I watched a cooking competition while I ate.

Talked to Leo. He took off for something, after emptying my trash (sorry, Sack).

I chatted with the cats and wasted some time on my phone.

I decided to document my day because even though I only crossed a few things off my to do list I still feel pretty good about it.

Now it’s time to drag myself to the bathroom, get some fresh water, and find a book to read. Maybe a pain pill too since it’s ok if it makes me sleepy at this point.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

Oh, and welcome to Russell Michael. One of my favorite little families is now a family of four. Maybe THAT’S why I had a good day! ❤️

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I remember in our second Chicago apartment I went to cook something and I set the lid of the pan on another burner and turned the heat on under the pan. I came back to check it and went to move the pan lid I had set down. I grabbed it by the knob and it flipped over onto my hand. Turns out I had turned the wrong burner on and the metal lid had been sitting right on top of an open flame. It took a long time for the burn on my hand to heal. That glowing, stinging, searing pain. That’s what it feels like.

All I could think of last night as I listened to music and teared up was how glad I am that I didn’t die first. I would never have wanted him to feel like this.

I’m trying really hard. My wheelchair gets here tomorrow. And I bought myself a little ‘under desk’ elliptical machine to use. I need to have something to look forward to though. That was a nice things about the house concerts, I always had something to look forward to and plan for. How many hours did I spend looking up recipes to make even though I usually ended making the first thing I looked at? And wanders always gave me something to look forward to and plan. I just feel empty now. And God knows, and I do too, how incredibly lucky I was to have him for so long. But damn that makes this so fucking hard.

People survive. People heal. I will too.

Random Updates:

• My wheelchair gets here today. I am very excited. Kinda nervous. I hope it feels good and is easy to use and to get in and out of the house, etc.

• I was going to go out last night and I wimped out. Bad Cynthia.

• I’m working and I’m eating but I can’t say I get much more done. I make lists. They don’t get checked off.

• I was so proud of myself for making a pot of black beans last week. Did I eat them? No. They are still sitting in the refrigerator and need to be tossed. I don’t know why. My role was always the planning and cooking, Ernie plated and served. Maybe that’s what it is.

• I finally got a tray for a walker. Had to get a cheap walker that it would fit on and both the tray and the walker are as ugly as hell. It really shouldn’t matter. I’ve sort of gotten used to my New Yorker bag hooked over my old walker. I guess I’m hard to please (cue Ernie’s laughter).

• I cut my Cook Unity order back to four meals a week since my discount is over but I might go back up to six. I sometimes eat one for breakfast so that gives me two dinners to make on my own.

• I may have to have my phone taken away. The other day I was trying to figure out what to have for dinner and I started poking around on Door Dash looking at things. Then I decided not to be decadent and order, I had stuff in my freezer. A little while later a message popped up saying my Dasher was on their way. WHAT? I must have hit something on my phone by mistake. Fortunately it was very cheap but man, I need a keeper. Or an Ernie.

Ok, now some random pictures. Remember, I don’t get out much.

It’s total anarchy here. Olney works incredibly hard at trying to break into the automatic cat feeder. He’s managed it twice. The other day I got up and found he had unplugged it and moved it into the middle of the room. I investigated and found it was just about empty and gave them what was in there. Leo promised to bring cat food home. In the meantime they knocked it over and dug out every last crumb. Anarchy, I tell you. I was kinda impressed he unplugged it.

Don’t forget: Sola Gratia Plant Sale through Sunday (9-5 with a guided bird walk on Saturday at 7 and live music on Sunday, Mother’s Day) as well as next Friday through Sunday at 2200 Philo Road. Here’s our esteemed Mission and Volunteer Coordinator Sophie.

And the family sits with me as I work. You know I took Esther’s hat off the other night and she looked so odd. It’s like having a friend you know is bald but always wears a hat so you’re shocked when they take it off. I put it back on her. Eggy, Raye and Shirt sit with her as well and they silently cheer me on.

Ok. Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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As some of you know I am proud to work for Sola Gratia Farm in Urbana. It’s an urban farm with the mission of increasing food access and getting healthy, organically grown food to those in need in our community. And do we ever grow gorgeous vegetables! We do free markets in areas of need, participate in farmers markets throughout the year, have summer and fall CSA’s and manage a plethora of outreach and education events. It is truly a joyful place and does important work. They have been incredibly good to me (as they are to all their staff) and if you are local, I would love it if you would support them in any way you can, whether it be following us (and sharing) on facebook, Instagram, BlueSky, or Threads, getting our newsletter, volunteering, sponsoring a tree, or shopping with us. And shopping is exactly what you can do this weekend!

Our Spring Plant Sale is our biggest fundraiser of the year and we have been working, working, working to get ready for it.

Here’s a list of some of what we will have, as well as hanging planters, etc. There’s a guided bird walk on the property at 7 am on Saturday (finishing up by 9 for the plant sale) and there will be live music on Mother’s Day this Sunday. It will run next weekend, Friday-Sunday, or sell out.

I hope some of you can make it.

Onward!

Love,
Cynthia

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Owen took several dozen I guess, a boxed set or two, and Leo took a handful. The room, and my bed where I was perched was covered in dust. Ugh.

I admit I kept one or two just because they had the little handwritten stickers that said things like, “Ernie please!!” in his handwriting. Always numerous explanation points. The boys were sort of puzzled by the notes but I explained when there were promos in the record store stash for playing and you wanted them when they cycled out, you put your name on them to claim them. And then there were the ones that other people put stickers on for him…ranging from Ernie to Ernst to Ernesto.

Now there are five big boxes of cds in front of the fireplace. The first step is to go through these in my room so I can fit my dresser in here. Otherwise I’d leave them. Also in the living room are boxes of replacement shelves to go in here which will fit with everything else. And bundles of cardboard boxes, and then there’s a dresser I want to get rid of in there too. All surrounded by an embarrassing number of walkers and mobility aids. And my dining room table is still covered with things we pulled out of the bathroom to get the washer/dryer installed. And there’s another shelf full of cds that we moved to the dining room when we had to put a bed in here.

Oh, yeah, and Leo’s car died. He’s been nursing it along as it limped toward its demise. He’s off looking at cars as we speak. Lousy time to be buying a used car. Owen and Trinity were at a celebration of life for Trinity’s uncle all day Saturday. Yet again, I feel as though I am still and life is whirling around me. The eye of the storm perhaps? That’s how it feels.

I also overslept which threw the day off too. I’m still not 100% used to setting alarms. Once you’ve had a charming human alarm for decades it’s just hard to make the switch.

Just so fucking hard.

Oh, and I broke down and bought a wheelchair. The one I have has been great but it’s just so heavy and as I put it to Owen when he protested it wasn’t that heavy, my friends are of a certain age…and there are those damn steps into the house as well. I had an unexpected check show up and it just about covered the cost of the wheelchair I’d been looking at. When you start looking at lightweight wheelchairs they get pricy fast and these are just ‘off the shelf’ wheelchairs. Geez. This one is supposed to be good for back pain and had an excellent warranty unlike some other comparable chairs. Anyway, she’s on the way. Name suggestions are welcome.

Oh, and it sounds as though Leo may have bought a car!!! 🤞

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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For years Ernie would chortle at the memory of passing a table at the club that said, “RESERVED FOR ONE-EYE.” I made poor Grant buy a bumper sticker from the merch table and leave it in my desk drawer the next day so I could put it in Ernie’s stocking at Christmas.

I don’t know if I actually recall all that much of the show other than his biggest hits. This one was written by Steve Goodman and an uncredited John Prine of course.

Not someone you’d want to hang out with needless to say but while he wrote Take This Job And Shove It, he also wrote the tender Would You Lay With Me (In a Field of Stone). Wikipedia now tells me this about that song however:

Geesh. So much for tender.

In my musing I found this surprisingly enjoyable version of LeAnn Rimes doing this song.

Now some random shots.

As I think I already share, Esther was very pleased with her new hat. However, Sasha came by and delivered the pièce de résistance. May I present to you Sheriff Esther.

And yes, I know that my house is looking like a medical supply store. I swear I’ll start paring down soon.

I took a picture of Esther with Sasha but I was so focused on Esther that I barely got Sasha’s face in there. Sorry, Sasha.

So the family and I got together and watched some cooking competitions last night, just me, Sherrif Esther, Eggy, Raye, and Shirt.

In food related notes I continue to enjoy my Cook Unity dinners. My coupon code is used up though so they are a bit pricier now. I cut back to 4 meals a week which of course conversely makes it more expensive per meal. So I’ll need to step up a bit with cooking. 🤞 Man, the other day the only thing that sounded good to me was one of Ernie’s classic fried egg sandwiches.

However, I managed to cook a bit this week. It hurt like hell but I did it! I will admit I bought the onions and peppers pre-diced.

Fortunately I also found out my little toaster oven will fit a 12” frozen pizza!

Speaking of food…I looked at the coupons on my Schnucks app and lo and behold found they had Pork Stomach Hog Maws on sale. I can’t say I’d ever noticed Schnucks carrying these.

The illustrious Susan and Carrie came by and worked in my yard. I managed to nap through their visit (sorry, guys) but Susan did send me this picture. I ask you, could Carrie be any more ridiculously adorable? God I love my friends.

And LOOK, my poppies and alliums are blooming. I’ll have to make the boys go take a picture for me.

I always forget the name of this tree but I love its lime green color. It’s wonderful against a gray sky too.

Oh, oh, oh, and there’s another Fats interview clip!

Might I note that I adore Ray Price and Crazy Arms. I think we finally got a 78 of it.

Did I share this one of Fats talking about John Prine? Delightful.

Ok, I’ll stop.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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The boys and I sat down on Sunday and talked through some of what we need to do in the house in the near future. Now that the second floor isn’t accessible to me whatsoever (I used to be able to ask Ernie to get things for me if need be) and Tal will be here hopefully later this year (TAL I MISS YOU!), we need to do some reworking. Leo and Tal will have the entire second floor while they stay here and I need to finish moving things down here into my little room. It’s not a big room though…and how to make it fit. I am perhaps unnaturally attached to my things, my antiques, my books, etc. I kinda forgot how much we had packed in our bedroom upstairs. The boys and I were going to go through the shelves of cds in here, sort out who wanted what and then, I don’t know, sell them? Then I had a sudden memory of sitting here in the evening and Ernie remembering a song and jumping up and going to the shelves with a flashlight to find it. So I cried. And I realized I can’t get rid of any of his cds. Not yet. Even though I’d been nagging him to sort through them and thin them out. So we decided we will pull out what each of us wants and then box the rest of them up. I ordered some boxes and they should arrive in a day or two. I’m sad to see them leave the room but I’ll still have some with me and God knows there are more records and cds in other rooms. Our big old dresser that my parents used and before that was in my grandparents’ house will come down here as well as the grandfather clock. My painted blanket chest which I’ve enjoyed having in here but is getting beat up by the cats will go back to its former spot under the dining room windows and lord only know where the current small dresser and table I’m using for the tv will go. In the meantime I’ve ordered some shelves from Target as the old ones are too tall for the planned configuration. Anybody want some ancient Ikea shelves? I’m always surprised by how pained the boys look when I offer them things like this.

It’s all a bit overwhelming but I’m looking forward to having my little nest all properly lined with whatever birds line their nest.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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Second, this week was a beast. Not a big snorting, biting kind of beast, more like a mellow, snuffling, lumbering kind of beast. I mean much of the week was good but going back into work was oddly hard despite how much I enjoyed being there and seeing my beloved colleagues. That may not make any sense but god knows everything in life has many layers and so did my beast. On Friday we had a big all staff meeting. I’ve been at the last two and I really like being there particularly as I don’t get out and about on the farm so don’t know a lot of the outdoor crew. The weather did not play nice however and rainy days often exacerbate my pain so it was a long, long meeting. The last two years I ducked out of the staff picture just because I didn’t think I could walk far enough for it. So this year I made myself do it and it made me happy. But Christ almighty, I tumbled straight into bed when I got home and I have barely gotten out of bed today. It’s finally easing up a bit. It’s easier said than done to not push through pain so sometimes it just take a bit to recover. I was glad I did it all though and glad I am writing about it as well.

I do sometimes go back and read old posts. Sometimes I’m startled by them and sometimes not. I like having a record of our life to lean on. I’ve read all the posts from this year over and over again, tracing the path of finally losing Ernie. It makes me cry but also comforts me at the same time. I can’t quite explain it.

Ok, enough of all that, now a few pictures.

The washer and dryer are finally here. Woo-hooo. I am wearing clean clothes!!

The family. I really wish Ernie were here because I could point out to him that Esther is doing a rather remarkable Mike Henderson impression. He would be so happy. There was nothing better than when I made Ernie laugh out loud.

I couldn’t find a video of That’s How I Remember You. That was probably Ernie’s favorite Henderson tune. I need to play it, I can’t fully remember the lyrics. “Them in front and us in back,” is that it?

Oh, and speaking of Fats Kaplin (well, I wasn’t but you can see him and Kristi Rose in the above video at numerous points), you must, must watch this Otis Gibbs interview of Fats talking about working with Jack White!!

And THEN you get Fats talking about starting out with Ray Book Binder and teaching himself fiddle and ohhhh, it’s absolutely wonderful. Thank you, Otis!!!

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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Bob picked me up and brought me back home. He is remarkably generous. I love him so and I also adore him for how much he loved Ernie. I did ok getting in and out of the house. When I finally clunked my way into my room I sat on my comfy striped chair and realized I was utterly exhausted. That kind of exhaustion in which you feel as though you can’t move a muscle. I think the last few days just caught up with me, being anxious about going out, then going out and have a great time, then working a lot of hours on a work project the following day and evening and then going into work yesterday. All sorts of emotional and physical layers.

I didn’t have any of my little dinners in the refrigerator and I decided somewhat rebelliously to order in food. Who am I rebelling against? Common sense perhaps. Anyway, I ordered a sandwich from Martinelli’s (one of my favorites) and when I did it said something like ‘your original time isn’t available’ and gave me a different time. I thought it was just changing me to a later time so I said fine. Eventually I wondered where it was and found that I had somehow ordered it for delivery on Friday. Sigh. I called and the person there was delightful. She said she’d credit my order and just to order again, through them or DoorDash. So I went to reorder and found it did the same thing and bumped me to Friday. So I went to DoorDash to order and they didn’t have what I’d already ordered listed. I called back and explained. She said just to pick something the same price and she’d make sure I got the right thing. I went back to DoorDash and it said it couldn’t accept any order for today and rescheduled it for Friday. Sigh. So I called my new friend back and told her I was giving up. I pulled my chicken tikka masala box out of the freezer and had it. Not terrible. Eh. Sack was happy. She likes Indian.

Today I woke up and decided to take some time off work as I’d already put in a lot of hours. My little room is a bit of a mess so I went through stuff, the endless stacks of papers, a pile of clothes, a basket filled with the detritus of daily life. I sorted and threw a lot away. Then I put the dirty clothes in my walker bag and clunked into the bathroom. I put them in the dirty clothes, clunked into the kitchen and sat down. After a minute I put a few things from my bag away and then I clunked into the dining room. I stopped at the sideboard and got a stack of books. I put some in my walker bag and carried the others while I clunked back into my room. When I collapsed into my chair I was in tears from the pain which I don’t usually do. I suppose I’d been moving around a lot and then trying to carry anything with a bit of weight is tremendously difficult. I don’t know. It was rather mmm…something. I can’t think of the right word. Demoralizing is too strong, disappointing isn’t quite right, you get it though. It just was lousy. I know I shouldn’t push too hard because the worse it hurts the longer it takes to recover.

Of course, since I really needed to sit still for a bit, my weekly meals were delivered. They always leave them right on the edge of the porch. I thought about trying to ask if they could leave them by the door but I figure it’s good for me to have to work a little harder to get them…more movement, etc. To be able to open the door without the Big Guy escaping I throw a tiny bit of food in their bowls. He races in and I shut them in. I ventured out to the porch, managed to pick the box of meals up (thank god it has a handle) and carry it to the kitchen. Got them all into the refrigerator and clunked back to my chair. No more work or moving will be done today. My back is fricking killing me. I finally took a pain pill. I hate taking them early in the day but needs must, right?

My meals look pretty good though. All six of them came out to about $56. Not bad but that’s with a discount. Next week it will go up so I’ll have to ponder whether it’s worth it. After how much I hurt today making breakfeast and tea today I may continue it. I just want one of Ernie’s egg sandwiches.

Anybody have any interest in a small white chest of drawers? It’s from Ikea so nothing high-end but it’s pretty sturdy and a nice small size (14.5” deep (15.5” with upper lip), ~20.25” wide (22.5” with lip), and 51.25” tall ). Let me know! More pics if you need them.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia (and the cats)

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I went out.

I listened to live music.

I’d like to recommend Owen and Trinity as dates, they were delightful. Could not love them more.

The Silos were great.

Walter Salas-Humara was as charming as ever.

I was at a table with lots of friends.

Teri and Brian brought a big Papa Del’s pizza (#sausageandgreenoliveforever).

I even managed to use the bathroom with the wheelchair. Had to kinda block it off from anyone else coming in but Trinity was in charge.

I drank a lot of wine which I haven’t done in a while.

I cried a bit during the opening band (Tractor Kings who were great) just because Ernie wasn’t there to catch my eye but I did ok.

Actually, I did good.

Thank you, Walter and crew.

Thank you, friends.

Thank you, beloved kidults.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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Leo got home last night and I gave him the whole washer/dryer delivery saga. As he was standing in the doorway of my little front room, we heard some noises in the living room. He turned around and yelled, “There’s a BIRD in the house! What the hell is a BIRD doing in the house?” The poor bird thunked into a window and fell and then, well, Olney took over. It was quick and effective.

I screeched, ”OH FUCKING A,” and then stood in the doorway with my walker making the sort of unintellible noises that I make when I just don’t have words. Ernie used to tell me I sounded like Beaker at times like that. He and the boys would laugh at me and do little Beaker impressions.

Leo was yelling, cats were running. I went and sat on my bed and couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry so I did both. Leo stuck his head in and asked the best way to clean blood off a hardwood floor. I’m not sure what I said to him. I noticed just now that there’s a spot on the window that still needs to be cleaned off and possibly a splash of bird blood on my poster of Ernie.

Leo took care of it all (God I love you, Leo) and then we tried to figure out how the bird got in the house. The front door had been open for the delivery guys but I was sitting in there the whole time (and it wasn’t a tiny little bird). Then Leo walked into the bathroom and saw that, without the dryer there, the vent was just open to the outside. Evidently our bird had flown right in. Leo stuffed an old towel in it so no more birds would visit.

Leo is uh, not the biggest fan of Olney (to be fair, Olney does love to attack him. I swear Olney just thinks it’s funny but Leo does not agree). Tal is very fond of birds as well, so Leo was highly offended on behalf of her and the bird. Eventually he went upstairs and I opened my bottle of wine and ate guacamole and chips for dinner because that’s just the kind of day it was.

I think my delivery guys left a wrench behind. I suppose I should try to figure out how to contact them.

Well. Onward, because God knows there’s no going backwards.

Love,
Cynthia

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I thought we had an electric dryer. You know who WOULD have known that we had a gas dryer? Ernie.

For whatever reason I was anxious about the delivery of the new washer and dryer. Our old washer was on its last legs and then the dryer stopped working. So I hemmed and I hawed and finally gave in and ordered new ones. It was a splurge but hell, I need to be able to do laundry. It’s not like I’m going to be jaunting about to the laundromat.

The delivery guys showed up and couldn’t figure out how to get the old stacked units out of the bathroom. It went on for some time. And on. First he told me they couldn’t do it and asked if I wanted the new washer/dryer brought inside anyway. I told them I really didn’t feel the need for a washer/dryer in my dining room as well as my bathroom, so no, do not bring it in. It can head back to Costco. Then they tried something else and finally got it out, not before telling me they might crack the tile wall doing so. They didn’t. Well, I don’t think they did. I suppose I should go check. But of course the catch: we have a gas dryer. I ordered an electric dryer. So back to Costco they trundled. Now I have to reorder.

Of course I cried through the whole thing. I tried to explain. They were incredibly nice. He told me his mother died 11 years ago and he still cries. I didn’t cry the whole time, just when I tried to talk. The rest of the time I just sat there with tears streaming down and a wobbling mouth.

So. Costco is refunding my money and I will reorder. I’m gonna wait til I get my credit first, because whew, can’t take that hit twice. In the meantime I ordered some groceries from InstaCart and added a bottle of wine to the list. I’m seriously considering ordering new sheets just so I can have some clean ones. They did take the washer and dryer with them but they weren’t working anyway so just as well.

Appliances always fail when Ernie isn’t here. I remember when he went to AmericanaFest one year and multiple appliances died. But he came home and everything got fixed. Oh, Ernie.

I know all I seem to do lately is tell you my crying, but you know, that’s just where I am right now.

And the damn trash cans are still stuck together.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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Ok, starting out sad again, oh well. Overall, despite various fits of tears and man, I can’t even begin to explain how much I miss Ernie. It’s like a searing pain that’s there all the time, but just the same I had a pretty good week. It felt like the first week I was fully back at work and getting things done and that was satisfying. I had a lot of quiet time but also a few zoom meetings and a few visits from friends (thank you, Sasha and Susan. Oh, and Barb who even brought me clementines).

When I think how long I’ve known Sasha I am just stunned at my brilliance, or more accurately my good fortune, in finding wonderful people when I first got to town here as an 18 year old so many years ago. It’s amazing how so many of those bonds have stuck through the years and how much those early instincts were spot on. I just love her of course, but it’s also comforting to have someone know just what you were like when you were 18 and 30, 50, and so on.

We hung out and chatted and then she bustled around my kitchen helping me clear some things off the counters and peninsula. That woman can bustle like nobody’s business. Then I could see her organizational neuron pathways really lighting up as she sorted out some of my cupboards. She is brilliant.

Then Susan (who I failed to get a picture of—next time) came over and we talked yard and seeds and life. She was impressed with my restraint in seed ordering. I do try.

And in other news:

Esther doesn’t like to take her hat off.

I’ve never had cats that felt so strongly that it is their right to be on the kitchen counters. NO, SACK, NO. Sigh.

Honestly, I don’t know why she is so nice to Olney.

Here she is asking herself the same question.

They quite like having this chair in my room. As do I, it makes a delightful spot to work in the morning sun, for all of us.

An exciting step in the right direction. Ernie was always the one that made my iced tea for me. He’d make a pitcher and have it in the refrigerator. Well, since he passed, the only time I have had tea is when my friends Peggy or Jason brought it to me. Just getting water was about the limits of my capabilities. Ice cubes for when I went all out. When Sasha was here the other day she made me a pitcher of tea with the good tea Tal brought me and I am drinking it right now and it tastes SO good. Thank you Sasha, thank you Tal, and of course, thank you, Ernie.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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Last night as I was getting sleepy for some reason I ended up on YouTube. I’d gone there with the intention of looking up something in particular but that was quickly lost to the mists of my brain. Instead I played the clip of Owen and Duncan playing with Aaron Lee Tasjan. I gotta admit that I wept. I cried harder than I have in a good bit, the kind of silent sobbing just accompanied by tears streaming down. Ernie and I loved to watch this video together. Ernie would smile and tear up at the same time because he was so incredibly proud of Owen. He just adored those boys so much. He saw the true essence and heart of both of them. I’m so glad he saw them become the men they are.

Ok, now onto random pics and I don’t think any of them will make me cry!!

I’ve been ordering dinners several nights a week from Cook Unity. A few misses but overall surprisingly good food. This one was really great but as good as the fish was, it was the lentils and spinach that won. It’s not cheap but when I look at what I’m saving at the grocery store and what I would be throwing out from the grocery store after I let it go bad, it’s reasonable. As time moves along I may do more cooking myself but we’ll see. This is a good solution for now. And yeah, I know it would look better on a plate but have you ever tried carrying a plate while using a walker?

This was one of the biggest apples I’ve ever had in my life. I’m not sure this photo really captures it but I tried.

Here is Esther sending loving good wishes to her friend Sophie.

The last English muffin from Hannah. I went with peanut butter and jelly as that was Ernie’s favorite and damn but it was good. I DO love my little toaster oven for toasting!

Ernie did imitations or quotes from movies or other memories all the time and of course I still hear him. When I called this the last English muffin from Hannah I could just hear him doing it in the voice of Santa Claus from the Polar Express.

I know folks bash that movie but I love, love, love The Polar Express. It’s about Christmas AND a train and came out when Leo was five years old. Can you POSSIBLY imagine how many times we watched that movie. I mean we watched it year round, summer, fall, spring, and of course winter. And get this—last Christmas Leo refused to watch it with me. After I’d watched it about 10,000 times for him. Selfish beast. He’s watching it with me next Christmas no matter what. Anyway, I can just imagine Ernie holding the English muffin up over his head and bellowing, “THE LAST ENGLISH MUFFIN FROM HANNAH,” just as Santa proclaimed the first gift of Christmas in the movie.

And last but certainly not least, my bottle of Dolly Parton chardonnay that Heather gifted me.

I guess that despite it all, life has a lot of good in it.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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In moving things for the table I also went through a big basket of clean laundry (thank you, Ann). I separated some things of Ernie’s out to see if Owen might want them. Found a few lost things of Leo’s. A few t-shirts were just too damn worn to even give away (sorry Kevin Gordon and the Long Ryders). His Shaver t-shirt I had to keep. I remember him buying it long, long ago after a show. He asked for an XXL or something and the guy at the merch table just shook his head and told him he’d been going to too many rock and roll shows, and he just needed a large. I tucked away his Sola Gratia and Sandwich Life hoodies too. One thing at a time.

My breakfast series. Sourdough English muffin from Tooth Butter Bakery, perfectly ripe avocado and a bit of salt.

Accompanied by some mandarin oranges. Not quite as delightful as the clementines I had been eating but they still tasted kinda sparklingly good.

The other day as I was texting with a friend I mentioned that I would need to get out to see some live music at some point. It’s been a long while. Later I pulled up the Rose Bowl calendar and saw that the Silos 40th Anniversary Tour will be there on Saturday, April 18th!! WOAH!

Walter Salas-Humara had written me late last year about playing at our house again (that 2016 show with Jonathan Rundman was sooo wonderful) but although it broke my heart I had to tell him we couldn’t plan that far in advance anymore. I told him if he was looking for a local show the Rose Bowl was his best bet but I hadn’t thought about it after that.

So I did the unthinkable and bought tickets! Owen said he and Trinity would be glad to escort me and that way whether it’s wheelchair or walker I’ll be ok with their help. Hmm, I note that it does say very limited seating. Maybe it will be the wheelchair then! I’m very excited. If you want to see me out go buy a ticket. Of course we’ll have to pray I don’t have to go to the bathroom as their bathroom is not handicapped accessible to say the least but that’s ok—I’ll make it!!

Here’s the 1987 version of the Silos’ Tennessee Fire.

And the 2012 Hardly Strictly Bluegrass version (with Victoria Williams as well).

And new songs…

Now I have something to look forward to, and that always makes things a little easier.

Onward.

Love,
Cynthia

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Look at these pictures of the boys coloring eggs. This was only days after Ernie had been diagnosed with cancer in April 2004.